Murphy's Law
by jazzberryjuice
Summary: Sasuke takes a different approach toward killing his evasive brother, who has so far been impervious to his methods of attack.
1. The To Not Do List

**A/N: I had fun writing this ridiculous chapter, and I hope you have just as much fun reading it. Request information is below, because I couldn't put it up here for reasons you'll soon discover.**

_**MURPHY'S LAW**_

-Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.-

"I've got it," Sasuke declared, reverently staring up at the ceiling. "I've _got it._"

His annoying teammate, Naruto, followed his gaze upward. "I don't see anything," he stated blankly. "What're you looking at?"

"Oh, please, Sasuke-kun," Sakura, his other annoying teammate, rolled her eyes, "not _another _scheme. Face it, you're never going to kill Ita…" she stopped at his murderous expression. "Um, your brother."

"What makes you say that?" Sasuke asked slowly.

Sakura tossed her annoyingly pink hair and fixed him with an annoying stare.

"You need to come up with some better adjectives," Naruto inserted.

Sasuke blinked. "What?" Had he said that out loud?

"Yes," Sakura replied crossly, "and you asked yourself that out loud, too."

"Oh." He blinked again, making a mental note to examine his brain to mouth filter. He needed his self-control in tip-top shape if he even hoped to kill—

"Your eyes are glazing over, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said, annoy—_superciliously._ There.

A thought crossed his mind. "Wait, why do you think I can't kill him?"

"Well… Remember that time you put an alligator—"

"_Crocodile."_

"—right, crocodile, in Kisame's swimming pool?"

Sasuke frowned at the mention of Itachi's genetic mutation of a roommate. How dare she speak of The Incident That Was Never To Be Spoken Of? "How was I supposed to know it wasn't Itachi's pool?"

"I don't know, maybe because there were _sharks _in there as well?"

"I thought someone _else _was trying to kill him!"

Sakura rolled her eyes again. Naruto looked up. "What about the time you put a banana peel on the staircase?"

"It would've worked," Sasuke protested, shooting a venomous glare at Naruto, "if our very own village idiot hadn't slipped on it first."

"He could've been killed!"

Sasuke shrugged. "A necessary sacrifice."

"Hey!" Naruto shouted.

They both ignored him.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura said, more gently, "I could go on. The point is, your plans don't work."

"I _know _that," he replied stubbornly. "That's why I'm trying a different approach."

Sakura considered this. "Will it be your last one? If this one doesn't work, do you promise to stop trying to kill Ita… your brother? I mean, I don't think you two have a very healthy relationship."

"Whatever."

She nodded, pleased. "Okay, what is it?"

"I'm going to write it on a To-Do-List," Sasuke said proudly. He waited for the shock, for her eyes to pop in wonder, her hair to frizzle in awe, her—

"You're kidding."

"It's a brilliant idea."

"It's a," she swallowed, like she couldn't believe she was about to say what she was about to say, "brilliantly _stupid_ idea."

Naruto gasped. "Ohhhhhhh dang."

They ignored him.

"It is not."

"Yes, it is!"

"It is not."

"It is!"

"Not," Sasuke said with finality. "And if you've noticed, 'it is' plus 'not' equals 'it is not'. Therefore, it is not."

Sakura stared at him incredulously. "Sasuke-kun, we've just established that your plans never work. Why on earth do you think _writing down your plans _is going to make it any better?"

"Technically, I'll be planning out my plans. My theory is that all my genius ideas," he glared at Naruto, who was turning blue in the face from holding back laughter, "unfortunately failed because of extraneous factors that I did not take into account. So, if I include multiple plans of action, along with various alternative strategies to deal with any possible occurrence, there is no reason why my plan will not succeed this time."

"You're missing the point," Sakura said simply.

"Plans never go as planned," Naruto interjected. "It's, like, Murphy's Law!"

"Dobe, stop trying to sound smart. Just by opening your mouth, you collectively lower the IQ of the entire country," Sasuke scoffed.

Naruto glared at him. "You haven't even heard my idea yet."

They waited with absolutely no expectations.

"Okay," Naruto began excitedly. "Plans don't work out exactly like you want them to. It's a fact. A universal law. So what you do is…"

Sasuke unconsciously leaned in.

"Reverse-psychology the universe! Instead of making a To-Do-List, make a To-Not-Do-List! That way, by planning to not do something, the universe will contrarily make it happen. And then everyone'll be happy."

"That's…" Sakura stared, slack-jawed.

"… A brilliantly _stupid idea_," Sasuke finished.

Naruto huffed. "Geniuses are never understood," he said, exiting with a dramatic flourish of his hand.

They watched him go.

"Why're you still here?" He asked Sakura after a minute or two of silence had passed.

"I'm going to help you."

"You think it's a stupid plan," he bitterly pointed out. "So why?"

"Truthfully, I thought I might have a better chance of scoring a date if I helped you out with this. You know, like you'd owe it to me… or something." She smiled coquettishly, tucking a strand of pink behind her ear and sidling up to him.

"Oh."

She waited expectantly. "So…?"

"No."

…

Sasuke sat at his desk, pencil in hand.

_To-Do-List_

_Kill Itachi_

Maybe they were right, Sasuke realized in horror. He sucked at forming plans; this was no different than what he usually did. It would never work.

Cradling his face in his hands, Sasuke started a new list. The Dobe would never let him live this down.

_To-Not-Do-List_

**A/N: For the request part: leave a review with things to put on, you guessed it, Sasuke's To-Not-Do-List. Basically, things Sasuke should conspire to "not-do" in order to test Naruto's theory that the universe will do whatever you tell it not to. ****So he'll write things he **_**wants **_**to do and pretend he **_**doesn't **_**want to do them in hopes that the universe will do the opposite of what he says and he'll get what he wants.**

**Example: **** make Kisame eat sushi, push Sakura/Naruto off a cliff, find out why Kakashi's late to training all the time, etc.**

**Also, feedback on the chapter length, please.**


	2. I: A Flying Watermelon

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! Summer break started, so this story should be picking up. This is a lighthearted, bizarre (at best) story and so the chapters are short and easier to update. **

**This story is about Sasuke's To-Not-Do-List. If that doesn't ring any bells, just reread the last chapter; it's not even 1000 words. I'd probably end up writing more just trying to (poorly) recap and explain everything.**

**Enjoy!**

Seven sleepless hours later, both Sasuke's mind and the To-Not-Do-List (the "list" so far being four words scrawled onto a piece of fancy paper he'd nicked from the Uchiha Paper Closet) remained decidedly blank. He felt like ripping out every single strand of his hair, follicles and all. Maybe a little sunshine to the scalp would get his mental facilities up and running.

A noble plan, except for the fact that it would leave him bald. Sasuke needed his hair. The absence of a dark fringe to frame his patented Uchiha Smolder would render it 66% less effective, and then how could he go on?

… And _that _was exactly why he had spent seven fruitless hours poring over a stupid list. His mind kept wandering to everything _except _what it should have been thinking about. His mind, Sasuke realized, had a mind of its own—one of his countless talents, handy for suppressing hypothetical events of otherwise crippling childhood trauma (eg. Naruto forcing himself on Sasuke in their Academy days… What other psychologically scarring incident did you have in mind?)

Anyway, usually Sasuke's mind's skirting around the issue at hand meant that he was subconsciously trying to avoid something. But why was he avoiding testing Naruto's theory?

Was he afraid it would… work?

Blasphemy. Sasuke discarded that thought immediately. "I'm doing this to prove him _wrong_," Sasuke insisted, and was met with empty silence. He glanced around, then remembered. "Oh right, I'm an orphan."

Orphans could do whatever they wanted. Orphans could pull all-nighters, stay out with no curfews, eat whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. Speaking of which…

Sasuke stood up and felt the blood rush to the lower half of his body, stiff from its unmoving position held throughout the night at his desk.

He waltzed—to shake out the soreness, dammit—over to the kitchen, flung open the pantry door and was met with easily the most terrifying sight of his entire existence.

It was empty.

Well, not technically. Naruto had taken it upon himself to stock the second shelf with instant ramen, claiming that he technically lived there and thus deserved storage space for his sustenance. Trying to understand that logic had sufficiently confused Sasuke long enough for his annoying teammate to shove in six eight-packs. And then it was too late to do anything because, well, Sasuke certainly wasn't going to go through the trouble of cleaning them out.

But because Sasuke did not recognize instant ramen as real food, his eyes passed over the obnoxiously covered packaging as if that entire shelf did not exist, and proclaimed his pantry empty.

Wait, that was it. Something harmless and simple.

_To-Not-Do-List_

_1\. Get food._

He crossed it out. Go hard or go home.

_To-Not-Do-List_

_1\. Get free food._

Pleased with his decisiveness, Sasuke headed for the fridge. The fridge he reserved for emergences (of which this situation certainly was) because he mildly disliked chilled foods, unless they were tomatoes. He could eat tomatoes in any state, cooked, chilled, not-chilled, ketchup. In fact, the entire right side of the fridge, the cooler, was reserved solely for his tomato stash.

But due to an annoying intervention staged by his annoying team, Sasuke had promised to phase into a more balanced diet by not eating tomatoes for all three meals. And because Sasuke was a man of his word, he complied.

All right, really Naruto had held him down while Sakura fed him apple slices and Kakashi Sharingan'd him into signing a blood contract that would turn him into a rabbit if he reneged on the deal. But Sasuke was still a man of his word.

He opened the left side of the fridge, the freezer, for a tomato-flavored (artificially, of course) popsicle. What he found instead was a… watermelon? Eyebrows furrowing, Sasuke lugged it out onto the kitchen island, almost dropping it twice due to its weight.

There was a note, with a ribbon. "Happy birthday, Sasuke! Hearts," Sasuke dictated slowly. "Hearts. More hearts. I love you." He immediately skipped to the bottom. "I hope you like this surprise and remember to stay healthy! Love, Sakura."

It was dated back to three and a half years ago.

Sasuke, without any hesitation whatsoever, picked up the icy gift, pushed up the window above the sink, and hurled the thing out into the fresh morning air.

For a couple seconds, it was silent. And then there was the sound of glass shattering.

Sasuke calmly shut the window as one of his downstairs neighbors, probably Mrs. Yamamoto, began to holler profanities. The shrieks were hardly muffled, but bearable enough until the Yamamoto cat joined in with the wailing.

"I hate that cat," Sasuke groused.

**A/N: And the chain of events has been set into motion.**

**Yes, this chapter seems filler-esque and absolutely unimportant, but really it's not (not more than my usual, anyway). It sets the stage for… things. You'll see!**

**There will be an overarching plot eventually, but I'm still taking requests for TNDL items! Leave them in your review… If you've already requested something, I haven't forgotten you; I'm going to try my best to work them in soon.**


	3. I: The Runaway Cart

**A/N: I'm amused and more than a little surprised that no one commented on the fact that SASUKE THREW A WATERMELON OUT OF THE WINDOW? Really, does nothing faze you people?**

A dramatic door slam heralded the entrance of a fuming Mrs. Yamamoto, the unfortunate victim of vandalism or, if you looked at it a different way, the fortunate recipient of a free (albeit slightly damaged) watermelon.

"I hate that brat," she cursed under her breath. She paused, turned on her heel, and sprinted back outside to holler out some choice words. The woman, of course, had no way of knowing that her curses would fall on deaf ears; even if Sasuke hadn't shut his window immediately after chucking the fruit, he had the uncanny ability to tune anything out with practiced ease, courtesy of having Naruto as a teammate for so many years.

"Mom, stop screaming. You're going to shatter the rest of the glass," begged the ten-year-old boy tasked with cleaning up their broken window as his mother did all the dirty work of shouting obscenities in the middle of the street. "And the apartment just might collapse if you—"

_Slam_. The old building shook to the very core of its rickety framework, and the boy sighed. "—slam the door again," he finished weakly.

Sitting back on his heels, Mrs. Yamamoto's only son eyed the sordid remains of the watermelon that had seemingly fallen from the sky. He was about to salvage what he could when a streak of grey plowed right through the mess and disappeared.

It took the boy two seconds to register what had happened. "Mira!" he gasped, bolting to his feet. His cat, who had never once ventured outdoors, had jumped out the gaping hole in the window.

…

Naruto Uzumaki had a routine.

On off-duty days like these, his alarm would ring at 6AM. Naruto would then proceed to ignore the sounds until he woke up again at a more normal time like 10AM, or until his neighbor kicked down his door and turned the alarm off herself. Whichever came first.

Needless to say, Naruto had probably spent more money on repairing that blasted door than he'd spent on a whole month of ramen. And that was saying something.

Anyway, after awakening and preparing for the day, he would head to the kitchen for a quick bowl of instant ramen. What was it they said? "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day?"

Right. It was also Naruto's justification for eating _two _meals in the early morning. Because, at 10:45, his next stop was Ichiraku's Ramen to catch a late breakfast, usually three bowls of miso ramen. After all, light and healthy was the way to go.

Sakura maintained that the only reason the ramen stand opened so early was solely to service its most loyal customer. Naruto thought that was only fair, considering how much business he gave them; he ate at Ichiraku's at least once a day.

He was so familiar with this route that he could walk it with his eyes closed. And he did, up until he almost trampled a little boy underfoot.

"Hey," Naruto frowned. "Watch where you're… sitting," he said lamely. And then: "are you crying?"

The boy wiped snot off his nose with the back of his hand and jutted out his chin in a gesture of characteristic pre-pre-teen defiance. "So what if I am?" The effect was lessened, however, when he added in a painfully small voice: "Mira ran away. She's my kitty."

"You're in luck, then! I'm the best ninja around town," Naruto blustered, puffing up his chest importantly. "Leave it to me, kid. I'll bring her back, dead or alive!" At the boy's expression, he hastily amended his statement. "I mean, alive, of course. Preferably."

Naruto would save the day. Although, maybe it could wait until after he'd had a bowl of ramen.

…_one block away…_

"Shoo!" Teuchi, the owner of Ichiraku's, waved his hands at the grey feline batting at his new shop sign. "Go away!"

The cat seemed to glare down at him balefully before leaping down to the ground with a haughty sniff. Teuchi spun around, intending to head back inside, but the sudden movement spooked the animal, causing it to jump a foot in the air, bang its head against Teuchi's wooden grocery cart, and streak across the road.

"Well," Teuchi remarked to himself, "at least the cart's fine."

As the words left his mouth, the stop securing the cart in place loosened from the cat's earlier impact and flopped to the ground, useless.

"Well," Teuchi remarked to himself, "at least that didn't cause the cart to roll down that conveniently located hill."

The wheels creaked into motion, and the cart disappeared down the slope.

Teuchi huffed and turned around. "Well," he muttered, "at _least_ the sign is still—dammit." The scratched shop sign chose that very moment to slip off its hinges.

It was then, right when Teuchi was about to let loose a string of impressively creative swears, that Naruto happened across the scene. "Old man Teuchi! How's it going?"

Teuchi took a long, shuddering breath. _Do it for the children, _he reminded himself as he summoned his reserve of patience. "Good morning, Naruto."

"Why aren't you up front?" The blond kid asked in an uncharacteristic display of perceptiveness. "Is something wrong? Can I help you?"

The "no, thank you" was halfway out of Teuchi's mouth before he thought better of it—he could use this. "Actually…"

Naruto blanched, not having expected Teuchi to really take him up on the offer. Kami, all he wanted was a bowl of ramen. Or three.

"I need you to fetch a runaway grocery cart."

So they were at inanimate objects now? Naruto frowned. First cats, now carts. Why did everything seem to be running away from the villagers? "Maybe it was because you didn't treat it right, mister," he crossed his arms.

"What?" Teuchi asked, then decided he didn't really want to know. "It rolled down that hill," he pointed, "and if you could fetch some groceries for me while you're at it, that would be splendid. I do need some more ingredients for all the ramen you eat."

…

Sasuke, hands in his pockets, was walking down the cobblestone trail to the open market, ignoring fangirls left and right, when a gray blur whipped past his right leg.

"How dare you," he immediately called after it.

Honestly, the nerve. Konoha really was going to the dogs. Sasuke brushed imaginary fur off his shapely—_sculpted_, dammit—leg and proceeded on his way.

Just minutes later, he was stopped by an old lady. "Sir, would you to try a sample of our new recipe?"

Sasuke approached warily. "Is it free? Free food?" Could this be it? If so, that seemed a bit… anticlimactic.

…

The cart, having picked up a considerable amount of speed, hurtled through the alleyway, scattering frightened civilians to the edges of the alleyway.

"Was that a ghost?" someone asked after a couple seconds of bemused silence.

"With a _shopping cart?" _his wife asked skeptically.

"Must have been some bargain," another replied. "I hear the watermelons are really cheap today."

**A/N: Sorry, had to cut it off here; the chapter was getting too long. All this will make sense when everything converges (very humorously) in the next chapter, which I've already written so there won't be an excuse for an unreasonably long wait this time. Don't worry.**


	4. I: Michief in the Market

**A/N: Shoutout to AUselessMicrofluff for mentioning "that dead or alive cat" in a review; I realized I'd made a Schrodinger's Cat reference and I didn't even know. What good is unwitting cleverness when you aren't even aware of it? To those who caught the reference and just didn't comment: you're all smarter than I am.**

**Also, there seems to be some confusion regarding the To-Not-Do-List. The way it works is Sasuke lists things that he actually WANTS to do in order to reverse-psychology (aka trick) the universe. Like, in **_**officially**_** saying he doesn't want these things to happen, he's really hoping they'll happen. So by writing "getting free food****" on his list of things not to do, ****he's testing the list to see if ****his theory holds true****. Sorry it wasn't clearer.**

**I'd better stop before this A/N gets longer than the actual chapter.**

The woman frowned, confused. "Free? Well, yes, the samples are… Wait, how did that get there?"

Sasuke whipped around. A… grocery cart, of all things, was parked in the middle of the cobblestone road a couple meters from them. The market was quite a ways away; why would someone leave a cart out here?

Sasuke took it as a sign. He stalked up to the cart, ignoring the suspicious whispers among the crowd of "ghostly groceries" and gripped the handle, pushing it back and forth. The wheels worked fine.

He shrugged. Screw samples; it was time to get some _real _free food.

…

Naruto, completely out of breath, raced around the corner and almost keeled over in shock at the sight of Sasuke casually strolling through the streets, pushing the elusive wooden cart.

"Teme," Naruto screamed, purple with rage. "How the _hell _did you find that?"

"You mean the cart? It just came to me."

Naruto ground his teeth. "_Everything _comes to you. I've been chasing that stupid cart all across the village!" At Sasuke's smirk, he grumbled: "It was fast, okay?"

"Hn. What for?"

"Teuchi needs it and I need his ramen. He needs ingredients, too. Let's go shopping. Are you doing anything important? Hope not. Oh, by the way, have you seen a cat anywhere? Help me find him." All this was said in about two seconds.

Luckily, Sasuke was well-versed in Naruto-lingo. "No, and I was already heading to the market before you came. What's in it for me?"

"Perfect. Help me and you also get free ramen?"

Sasuke stared back, aghast. "You mean, _work _for it?"

"Well, how else do you expect to get free food?"

Suddenly uncomfortable in his Breezy-CoolTM Uchiha clan shirt, Sasuke cleared his throat. "Um, never mind. Let's go."

…

"Sale! Fresh bananas, five for the price of two!" A megaphone blared over the clamor of other promotional offers, nearly shattering the eardrums of all cheerful shoppers within a two-mile radius.

Sasuke paused mid-step and made a quick detour.

"TEME! Teme, stop!" Naruto groaned as his teammate walked toward, instead of away like most sensible villagers, the sound's source. "This is the fifteenth time; it's not going to work."

Sasuke wished he had a recording device on him. "_You're _telling me to give up? You don't even understand the concept of giving up! Remember Asuma? You told him to never give up smoking!"

"What's so wrong about that?" Naruto whined, scurrying after his teammate.

…

The vendor, still shouting through her megaphone, stared down at Sasuke's extended palm like it had just asked her the weather. After a couple minutes of ignoring the boy standing in front of her and realizing that he wasn't about to leave anytime soon, she sighed and flipped the "off" switch. "What do you want?"

Sasuke thought about supporting his tiring right hand with his left but ultimately decided that would come across as a sign of weakness. "Oh, I think you know."

"… I think I don't."

"I think you do," Sasuke said, patiently, wondering if it would really take all day to just get his deserved free food.

"I really, _really_ think I don't. Stop wasting my time."

"Give me three bananas," he said. "I think that's fair."

The vendor raised an eyebrow. "Do you intend on paying for it?"

"Of course not," Sasuke replied, putting his right hand down and extending his left imperiously.

The vendor walked behind her cart and pulled out a plastic bag. "Of course, Your Highness," she said, calmly reaching into the bag, pulling out some browning banana peels, and smashing them into Sasuke's face. "But these will have to do, as you've already gone bananas. Brat."

…

They walked the streets back in silence, both avoiding eye contact: Sasuke in embarrassment and Naruto in fear that doing so would lead to premature death by laughter.

"That is one butt ugly cat," remarked Sasuke snidely, still sore on the marriage of rotten banana peels to his 'do.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Don't be jealou—" His eyes widened. "Wait…"

…

A flurry of claws, two torn shirts, and considerable shrieking from all three parties later, Naruto managed to pin down his quarry. Scoffing at Sasuke, who was busy straightening out some wrinkles, he stuffed the cat into the wooden cart.

"Mission accomplished," Naruto panted.

Sasuke approached cautiously and dropped the pineapple Naruto had bought earlier on the unfortunate feline's tail. "So he doesn't escape," he explained.

"You're a sadist," Naruto remarked but made no move to stop him.

…

"Hey, Sasuke," Teuchi's daughter Ayame greeted, "Naruto. You got some groceries for me?"

Naruto beamed and pulled the cart up. "Where's Teuchi?"

"Bringing out some well-deserved ramen," Teuchi said, stepping out of the back with two steaming bowls. "On the house. It's been sitting for a while; I hope you don't mind too much."

"I helped, too," Sasuke interjected.

Teuchi was placing the ramen in front of the two when a disbelieving shout sounded from their right. "What the hell?" It was Ayame, and she was holding the pineapple. "These are all fruit. And trash."

"So?" Sasuke asked, tearing apart some wooden chopsticks. "They're groceries."

Ayame knocked the utensils out of his hand. "This is a _ramen stand, _idiot. How are we going to last through the day without enough ingredients _for ramen_?"

"Sorry, nee-san," Naruto apologized. "We didn't really think."

Ayame and Teuchi exchanged glances and sighed. "It's all right," Teuchi said, "I shouldn't have forced my errand on you last minute. We'll see what we can do." He laid a hand against the cart.

_Clunk._

The cart suddenly cracked open, falling to the floor in three wooden pieces, its contents spilling out. Ruined.

In the center of it all sat a small, gray, very satisfied-looking cat, wood splinters caught between its gleaming claws.

"You!" Teuchi and Sasuke roared.

"You!" A woman screamed from the road. It was Mrs. Yamamoto, and she was pointing a shaking finger at Sasuke, having somehow discovered the watermelon-chucking culprit.

"You!" Her son screamed happily, running in and scooping up his startled cat. He'd asked a couple villagers where to find Naruto to check up on his progress in finding Mira, and they'd all directed him to Ichiraku's, but he hadn't expected his hero to have returned so soon.

"You!" Naruto shouted, eager to get in on the action.

The group all turned to look at him. "I just… never mind," Naruto muttered. "Carry on."

There was a long, awkward pause.

"I'll just take this from you," Sasuke said, reaching out for a bowl.

Mrs. Yamamato swooped in with a shriek and dumped the bowl's contents onto Sasuke's head.

…

"So…" Naruto asked slowly. He pointed to the narutomaki plastered to Sasuke's forehead. "You gonna eat that?"

Sasuke glared at him in stony silence. Naruto, taking that as silent consent, plucked the narutomaki from his teammate's brow. "Hey, not bad."

Sasuke stood up huffily and stormed away.

Naruto shrugged. "I mean, it's free food," he said to no one in particular.

**A/N: ****So basically, things Sasuke writes on his TNDL come true. In many ways, most of them subtle.**

**For example, remember that watermelon Sasuke found in his freezer? Yup, free food; props to JigokuShoujosRevenge for noticing that! If you think you've noticed another way Sasuke's TNDL came true, let me know and I'll be sure to give you a shoutout(:**


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